Swiftly

I'm becoming totally obsessed with Taylor Swift. And not only because of Kanye's "jackass" moment (yes he's a douche, but isn't it admirable how much he friggin cares about his industry?). It's because her songs totally take me back to the girl I was in high school: confused, heartbroken, restless and endlessly obsessed with meaningless teenager drama.

Her music is ridiculously cheesy but I enjoy it. And I hate country music.

Green

One of my best friends from growing up is currently starring in a super popular tv show. I'm so proud of and happy for her. But at the same time it makes me insanely jealous. I feel like a horrible person for being envious of her instead of just being happy for her, but I can't help it.

When she told me she was moving to LA a few years ago to become an actress I thought she was an idiot. While she is drop dead gorgeous, she couldn't act for shit. And her resume only included like 2 high school musicals.

She started out waitressing and being an extra in random crap movies and tv shows. At some point she started getting bit parts here and there, which got a little bigger over time, and then she suddenly exploded with this new tv show. Every time I see her in billboards, magazines or on tv I first get insanely giddy and happy for her. I brag to all my friends "she was one of my best friends!" But then after a little while I start to think about how I was always too big of a pussy to ever take the chances to actually do what I wanted with my life. I mean, I ruled out my dream job of being a movie star when I was 8. I guess I'm just actually a pessimist when it comes to my own luck. I don't necessarily want her lifestyle (can't stand LA and the fakeness of the entertainment industry out there) but I wish I had her guts, and her luck.

Yet after watching her on tv tonight and feeling like crap about my life, I was somehow inspired me to take 2 big chances: apply for a job I really want and ask out a guy I've been crushing on for quite some time. We'll see how this goes.

Good and Bad Ideas

Bad Ideas: Actually thinking that I'll meet my future husband on OKCupid.com. Mixing 1,576 calories worth of fried chicken strips and french fries with roller coasters. Eating a banana that's been beyond past it's prime for 3 and a half days. Telling co-workers that they are elitist and WASPy. Reading old blog posts. (Related: Not proof-reading blog posts before posting.)

Good Ideas: Deciding to disable that OKCupid account. Buying Bret Easton Ellis' Lunar Park even though I've yet to finish A Confederacy of Dunces. Leaving my apartment simply because it's a warm Friday night in NYC, even though everyone I know is either out of town or working. Telling co-workers that they are elitist and WASPy.

Low Points

So, I went a little crazy on online dating sites this weekend. Okay just one site and I didn’t really do anything crazy other than IM and email a few guys and set up two dates. But for me, that’s crazy. And I spent about 5 hours straight looking up matches and chatting up random dudes. Definitely crazy.

The whole thing about meeting people online really creeps me out like whoa. I mean, you never think that the guy on the other end is actually Pat Bateman, but you really never know. But then again, no one who met Pat in “real life” knew until, well, you know, They Knew.

But at the same time it’s totally addicting. It’s such an odd sort of self-esteem boost to continually get messages that Justn457 is interested in you and DoctorWannabe8 just sent you a message: Hey beautiful!

Sadly, the cute ones and the interesting ones rarely come together in the same package. But that’s nothing new. I’m totally nervous by the two dates that got set up. One is on Thursday with a guy who works around the corner. He seemed like he could be majorly interesting or a major nerd. The other is Saturday afternoon with a guy I barely talked to at all, which I’m not at all sure if I’m going to go through with (plans were pretty vague). I couldn’t tell through the pictures really if either actually were cute or not. Too blurry, too many sunglasses, too much squinting in the sun. It seemed promising, but I think pictures are almost always misleading.

Wow, I feel like such a loser. Can’t believe I’m sharing this low point in my life with the world, even if it is pretty much anonymous.

First new post in over 17 months

I'm gonna skip the background info and what I've been up to in the past 16 months because I hate reading that shit. Just fyi.

I was reading a friend of a friends blog about her travels across the country and I realized I missed blogging. I've felt the need lately in my newly single life to create something. I wanted to write a novel but couldn't come up with a story. I wanted to choreograph a dance but I don't want to pay for the rehearsal studio. I could take my camera out around the city, but that never quite fulfills me the way I wish it would.

So I'm taking the 2007-era everyman route and writing a blog. Again.

Today is the first day this year that feels like fall. Quite depressing. Last year I was all about the apples and jackets but this time I wish summer would last forever. It just seems so much easier to pick up a cute guy when you can wear a skirt and tank top at all times.

In a low moment, I signed up for three dating sites last night. I never thought I'd be THAT girl. Chemistry.com seemed by far the nicest (and that personality test was spot-on!) but there's no way I'd ever pay for that crap. $30 bucks a month?! You gotta be kidding me. I have to delete my profile soon though because I keep getting these emails that "Scott" is interested in me. Which is nice and flattering, but when I can't click through to even see if he's cute or not, it's just a big tease.

I can't even remember the names of the other two sites I found after googling "FREE online dating." One took way to long to upload photos so I gave up. The other just had a bunch of creepy men from New Jersey.

Ahh men from New Jersey. I have a huge crush on my friend's brother from New Jersey, which is a huge problem because 1. He's my friend's brother 2. He's from New Jersey 3. (almost as important as the first two) he has a new girlfriend. Such is life. I keep telling myself I'm only crushing on him because he's the first guy post-breakup that I actually have some sort of feelings for. There will be another soon. I tried to have feelings for the fireman I went to the beach with this weekend, but he is just so...simple.

Rewriting history

So my first ballet teacher died this week. No, her name was not Heath Ledger.

She was an evil taskmaster if there ever was one. She'd walk around the barre, sticking a safety pin into our "po-pos" if they were sticking out. She scared me to death--almost literally. On the way to her class on Saturday mornings I remember often wishing our car would be drowned in a mudslide (this was actually almost possible during the rainy season where I lived).

When I changed ballet studios when I was 12, I remember thinking that she had taught me a lot of bad technique and that basically her teaching style was whack, to put it nicely.

After hearing about her death I googled her online to see a little more about her past, and found out that she was actually really well-respected by some of the top people in the ballet field. The artistic director of American Ballet Theatre sought out her advice, one of the most revered ballet teachers in New York considered to her to be one of the best ballet teachers in the country.

It's funny how you can write the history of your life, believe a certain thing about your past, and then suddenly it unravels, revealing new truths you had never considered before.

Insight

So I recently found out about the blog of one of my bosses. She's always seemed like a cold soul to me. In an un-corporatey office where people are extremely casual and out-there with who they actually are, I had always found her to be particularly empty. She was one of those people I just didn't really get and felt like I was never on the same wave length with.

Reading her blog, I still think she's empty. No surprise there. But I'm now sure she wasn't always. Her boyfriend of ten years died right before I met her. She defines herself as a poet, but doesn't realize that she hasn't really had any success since he died. She lives in New York but desperately wishes she lived in San Francisco. She's so deeply lonely inside without even realizing it, I even started cry while reading her posts oncee.

I almost want to tell her that I read her blog, and now I feel like I "get" her just a little bit more. But that would just ruin it. Part of the fun is knowing I have all this background knowledge about her that I shouldn't have. Not in a devious way. More of a God-concept way.